"TRY NOT TO FIZZLE OUT THIS TIME"
[17/12/2024]So I'm taking this medication, right... it's a little something for, y'know, ADHD? It, uh, helps me not completely self-sabotage myself and ruin my entire day by listening to video game reviews while playing Balatro instead of doing the dishes. Who knew?
Turns out, not me! It's not a rare story: I was raised in a post-internet world, and unrestricted access to Minecraft longplays turned my brain into hot mush without me or my parents knowing the long-term effects of that kind of exposure. Sure, I read books and did my homework sometimes, when I felt like it, maybe. But I didn't even know what "ADHD" as a condition was until I was about sixteen, and even then it took another five years until I found out that I don't have to just rawdog reality without medical help.
So, some time passes and I'm moving to Canada. I need to stockpile some of these pills in advance since I don't know how long it's going to be until I can renew a prescription with a doctor (and if those doctors need to give their official notarized approval after a third-party psychiatric evaluation, whatever and/or whatnot). Unfortunately, my specific flavour of ADHD requires a specific pill, which if I were to attempt to purchase out-of-pocket, would completely obliterate my savings I had kept for moving expenses. I'm glad my doctor let me know that BEFORE I went to the pharmacy.
So we attempt Plan B then: I'll take a new, different kind of pill that doesn't cost a kajillion dollars. No problem, I have no qualms with the concept. I've taken my fair share of medically-perscribed pills over the years and I'm no stranger to trying new ones by now. Except later I'd find out my partner, who's taken this kind of pill before, specifically says "this pill sucks, don't take it."
I didn't NOT believe it. I'm just one who likes to find out myself. "I like to see for myself / I like to touch it without gloves." And boy howdy, have I been "Finding Out" since I moved and started this new medication... it sucks! At most, I'd equate it to drinking a cup of instant coffee after breakfast. So, like, it kind of does something, I guess? It does something in the way of feeling more awake to be less enthusiastic about doing anything productive. Actually, just like coffee, some days it makes me feel like my brain is about to implode!
I had a lot of plans this year. I made the usual list of stuff for 2024 that I'd want to do. Indeed, I did check off some of those things off the list. Such as: "Build a website" (here we are), "Read two books a month" (I think it averages out to that), and- oh, look here! "Move to Canada!" And I'm certainly proud of what I have done. It's a lot for any one person to move to a new country, let alone do anything else on top of that.
But then I think about all the days I knew I had things I wanted to do, wanted to try, wanted to learn, and went, "...nah, I don't really FEEL like it today..." - knowing how often I did that, how many days I planned to keep on-track, and just... didn't! (Minus rest days. The rest days are sacred, and should be treated as such. I'm not hard on myself about those; more so when I take too many days off.) I'm looking at the list of stuff I didn't check off for this year, like: 1. "Publish a zine" (I'm kind of working on that, sort of), 2. "Journal every day" (I got tired, okay?), and 3. "Work out a minimum of twice a week" (walking everywhere is exercise, surely). I look at this list of stuff and say to myself, "I totally could've done more of this, right?"
And sure, I could have. But all things considered again, I did do a lot this year. I've done a lot of work to not be so pessimistic about my progress. The problem is more so that I need some better habits for work, and maybe my original type of medication again, because I look at how much I was able to do nearly every single day before I moved and I feel envious of that version of me. Not a hustler, just a do-er. Whatever I wanted to do, I just did it a lot of the time. Whatever needed to get done, I got it done without hesitation. Now I have to wrestle myself to remember to move the air purifier out of the bedroom and into the living room in the morning.
I could go further back, but I don't think it's necessary. I don't really mind the fact that I started having better habits late in my life. My younger self was going through it for more reasons than my ADHD. In fact, what would my younger self even do if I was medicated? Play Monster Hunter even later than 1 a.m.? I genuinely do not think I had any concepts, any artists' unique perspective, anything worthwhile to contribute to a portfolio until my twenties (and not because of the pills).
It's more like this: I am back on my old (new?) medication this week, and I am equally grateful and frustrated that I didn't have access to it for this long (nearly six months)! I am frustrated that I felt like I had good life habits that are now dashed on the rocks and in dire need of repair, but grateful that I can rebuild my habits with more fervor than before. Turns out life kind of sucks when I'm not participating in a healthy mindset supported by good habits that help me come closer to the person I want to be!
It's now time for me to put something on digital paper then, etched and officially notarized into internet stone, a promise I make to myself to do something I've always wanted to do, but didn't have a good idea for until now: I'm making a damn comic. For real, no going back. I have characters, I have a concept, I have a theme. A preview can be seen in this very page, and on my portfolio page (note: all things subject to change, this contract is non-binding). It's been so long since I've had a fresh idea that I started to feel like I didn't have an imagination!
So, now I appreciate with a fullness how much progress I've made since I was young and unmedicated, and now know for a fact that I absolutely have ADHD. Now I'm working on the rest of my career as a creative, starting with... blogging, I guess. More illustrations to come I hope. I'm no Moebius (only found out about this guy recently - great stuff!), but I'm not going to come close to skilled artistry until I sit down and do it knowing I love it.
(P.S. Am I repeating myself and a similar sentiment from other blog posts? Probably. What can I say? I have consistent and predictable themes in my life.)