"GETTING STARTED"
[8/9/2024]I've been feeling a strange, ghostly feeling in my psyche the past few days. Not like a specter has taken over my body, but more like a specter that once took residence in my brainspace finally moved out. They said, "it's time to move on, my hauntings have stopped working their woes!"
My work ethic has been questioned a lot, and so has my art. Turns out my most adamant critic was The Ghost of Bad Work Ethic's Past, the same one that was kicking around in my brain. Shame and negative self-talk are pretty strong bad habits.
So I made a website. Feels a little strange, honestly. I liked the process, which is NOT something I'm used to when coding. My college Web Authoring course was hell; like, it just didn't make sense to me! But it's even more than that - I just sat down an coded a website over the course of about 30-35 working hours and got it done. At the end, I had something I was proud of, and I feel as though I can keep up this kind of working momentum for the time being.
I'm not exactly sure what the crux of this eureka moment was for me. I think it was a big ol' stew of thought-ingredients I was cooking over the week. I just finished Action Button's six hour epic "Action Button Reviews Boko No Natsuyasumi" earlier that week and I cried. I watched it a second time that same week (with my fiance that time) and cried AGAIN. It stirred up some feelings in me that were silt sitting at the bottom of a still, clear pond.
I realized these things after many hours contemplating in the apartment: One, I need a damn job (unemployment depression is real!), but I have plenty of free time already that I don't want to waste by being a slug in bed; Two, I want to do things that I love doing, and that no one can stop me or tell me otherwise (being the daughter of two artist-adjacent degrees will catch a lot of flak by proxy, trust me); and Three, I am not stupid, and I can do anything I put my mind to.
It sounds like the most generic self-help advice you can give someone in a sense (I should know, I'm also a critic). But I have to keep telling myself these things to really massage it into the folds of my brain. It sounds easy, but I can't say that to myself; it IS hard! I had listened to about twenty-three years of negative self-talk and criticism, of course I would internalize that behavior! And in return, I have a mountain of bad habits to walk back down that might take me another twenty-three year journey. But it really, really helps when I'm not alone.
My wonderful fiance has guided me back to shore during the times my mind was cloudy and dark. I got, admittedly, way too high by accident a day after watching the Action Button video. In a sorry state, I remember holding my head in my hands during dinner and saying "God, I feel so stupid. I am stupid!" I said it a few times out loud, to no one really but myself. My fiance grabbed me by the wrist gently, looked in my eyes with genuine concern and love, and told me, "you're not stupid, you shouldn't say that about yourself."
Him saying that had rushed through me with all the surprise and gusto of a strong wind. I don't even remember why I kept saying "I'm stupid," and I think that's part of what I learned that day. Why am I saying these things to myself? No one else is saying it, so why do I have to self-flagellate like that? Especially when I don't even know why I would ever NEED to say that about myself?
It took a few more days of sitting on the idea to get to know what that really meant to me. In this moment, I'd like to add another item to the list of things I realized: Four, using my CPAP usually helps me think straight. Like, its damn JOB is to put OXYGEN into my BRAIN. It would probably help to wear it at night so I don't stop breathing when I sleep - and help it did! I cleaned my CPAP, set it back up on my side table, and used it. I slept for seven hours with it on (it usually falls off my face after two or three), and woke up having unknowingly digested the mantra that I could, in fact, do anything I wanted to.
Fueled on a few episodes of She-Ra and a 5AM adrenaline rush, I made this nefarious machine of a webpage. No phone or video playing while I worked, just me and my desk for a couple days. I forgot how much I missed it.It's not much, but it suprised and impressed me that I could make that. I'm still working on it as of my writing this, but it gives me a sense of accomplishment and... peace? Like my desire was always there, I just had to stop stuffing it down the toilet by playing Monster Hunter for four hours every day.
I find it sad and funny how my mind works. The chemistry that goes on up there befuddles me a lot. That same chemistry can make me my own worst enemy sometimes. But it can be changed; I can open my code or draw a picture because I find it fun. I can go outside because I like the outdoors. I can exercise because I want to. Sometimes I just need to say it out loud: "I can do hard things, and no one can stop me!"