"RICH CHOCOLATE SWEET MERCIES"
[24/10/2024]I don't usually give my blog illustrations a title, but I feel like calling this one "Safety."
Our apartment building is being renovated. It's been "being renovated" for about two months now. We moved in right before some major changes were being made, and now it's been just a lot of errant construction noise and changes I'm not sure anyone really asked for. At least our floor doesn't smell (mostly) like cigarette smoke ever since they ripped out the hallway carpet.
It makes me wary, more than anything. In these times, just having a place to consistently rest your head becomes less and less of a sturdy guarantee. My fiance and I have made it through harder times, and we know how to get by with just a lot of rice and dry beans to cook. It makes me wary though, because I only found out Alberta doesn't have any rent control after we moved here. I'm wary because I know who they're going to foot the bill to once our lease needs renewed.
We make it by. I'm grateful for the books that a library can provide to me, in times where other entertainment is expensive and bland. I'm grateful for our city parks, in times where paid events boot out free community gatherings. I'm grateful for our cats and our ability to feed them. I'm grateful for my fiance, who is my rock and my cinnamon bear. I'm grateful for when we have a little extra to buy a pint of celebratory ice cream. I'm grateful for a pillow to rest my head on, someone to sleep next to safely and lovingly, and lots of Youtube uploads of "How It's Made" full episode compilations.
I forgot I have an extra holiday to celebrate this year. It's been some time since I started HRT, and to put it bluntly, it's got me feeling emotional for a lot of reasons. I suppose, if anything, I am grateful for these emotions. I've given up a lot in order to live truthfully to myself (and not all of it was given up willingly), but I am all the better for it; I have gained much in return and I will forever be thankful for what I have. It's given me a newfound lease on life, and that in combination with the love and support of my partner, I have been able to make it by with as much grace as I can muster.
But I again feel the pessimist in me wonder: what have I lost, and what will I never be able to access because of the choices I've made, or the choices others have made for me? A depressing subject, Lord above! For all the gains and treasures, it's still difficult not to dwell on the losses and blights. The walls, the illusory walls of the things paid for either in cash or emotional labour! What if there was simply only good times, and no bad times?
I find it's easier every day to focus on what I have, rather than what I don't and what I can't. In a certain sense, someone can become a ghost among the living, trying to figure out what their shape is by looking at the negative space between bodies. I would know too, I've been there before. But who am I? Someone who hopes that being thankful for things will make them last a little longer. No one can take my being away from me, I hope.
I try to keep a level head. But it's late, we're tired, let's forget all about it and go to bed. We can think again in the morning.
"what if we could name ourselves
and speak about
being in this stasis
kissing and contagious
stop waiting for the sun to rise and finally
feel safe at night
i want to suck the gold good
& knock on wood
open this door and share this bed
every bad dream in my head --
i want to spit this road out
and build a whole new house"
- lyrics from "i've been tasting roads my whole life" off the album "the decline of stupid fucking western civilization" by Jordaan Mason